I fluctuate.
Let's mention assumptions, the detriments of 'assume'. I thought, I've always thought I'm right. How inaccurate, all along.
Take a glass wall. I'll walk right into it. With this deep in thought - maybe, perhaps, miraculously, I'll get to the other side. I knock, I bleed, I break. & I give myself another try, a second attempt. Probably now the glass permits, soften & form an opening, for my entrance. Now, this is Desires into assumptions. How readily, how self sufficient, how self deceiving. But finally, the big picture displays, explicitly, I realise. Looking from a different angle, the manifestation of a border remains contingent on the emotions. The glass is solid, real. Nonetheless, amidst all these,
I'll resume. I still resume. With the assumptions of assumptions. Take a look at mistake repetition, take a look at me.
If I say, I need time. Please, I pray you, kill me.
In illustration,
I wait for quite sometime, anticipating the presence of someone.
But no shadow no nothing appears.
So I begin to crumble, tell myself, you fool, it's void you're hoping.
Then my brain speaks to the heart, move on.
I stand up, take my things, & walk away.
Perhaps I'm reluctant, I turn to look back every two steps, eager to glance a silhouette, or anything, any symbol of a human.
But I know, I would see nothing, no skin, no bones, no blood, no breath. I know. I knew. I've always known.
Yet something tells me, perhaps I'm wrong, I don't know.
I'm wrong. I'm wrong to think this wrong.
All in all, I assumed.
Once in a while I really feel, there's this supernatural force in me. To believe my disbelief. To accept my denials & continue dwelling in them.
Supernatural force builds me, breaks me.
So I'll just let it dwell, sojourn.
Until one day when everything crashes, then maybe I'll think or a new way, a method maybe, to get rid of it.

So why are you digging into my wound.
It's the same hurt really, just a different method of approach. Three years ago I would have broken down, cried my lungs out, thought it's the end of the world. But now I'll just be deep in thought, successfully controlling the tears. The impact reduces. Just like a wave; it's frequency remains the same although it passes through a different medium. The wavelength & velocity however, changes, like how the impact & maturity varies. Nonetheless, if you insist.I felt lost at first, because it was so hostile, so heart wrenching.Then I got used, but not immune. Not immune yet.
Of late, immunity. I don't fret when anyone mentions it. Maybe once in a while, I think, I hurt a little. But that's in a blue moon.& now, I feel hardened, inhumane. How could I have put it aside. I'll start to hate myself for a while, then I'll forget & move on with training, homework, television, what not. But really, why are you digging into me, like you'll find diamonds in my unwholesomeness.





On a side note, frozen vitasoy's quite nice to drink/eat (: