I know this is an unearthly hour, but I can't sleep.
So here I am.
Let me tell you something.

I had this old.
I knew everything about this old
& this old knew me the same way.
This old was my pillar, literally.
My comfort
My (any good word you can think of).
I loved this old.
No, I still love this old.
But this old & I, we've been drifting.
Because I realised, this old is a generous old.
I wasn't the only one this old gave comfort to.
Okay, you could say I was partially broken.
But I knew all along,
I just thought,
maybe
just maybe,
I was a little more special.
I guess I was wrong.
So we drifted.
Moved on with life,
my life.
this old's life.
mine partially broken though,
I hope this old's was whole.

Now,
I have this new.
I love this new.
We're not distant.
We haven't drifted.
This new,
is not as generous as this old.
So, I'm fine. I'm good.
& I forget about partially broken,
I forget about old.

But recently,
out of the blue.
This old comes back.
& everything comes back to me.
Like a sudden gush of wind from another world.
& the gap from the drifting becomes a little smaller.
I don't know why,
I know I shouldn't be
But I'm glad.

In present,
I have this new
& I have this old.
But I know the words.
I cannot have the best of both worlds.

I love this new much more.
But I loved this old so much more.
Note the tenses.
Love & loved.
Should I cling on to the the past,
or should I play forget & forward.
So tell me, what would you do?

My roots tell me,
the chinese blood flowing in my veins.
If the old doesn't go, the new won't come.
So I must let go of the old.

But if that's the case.
I'd rather hold on to the old, & not take the new.

But you see, I too, love the new.

No, then maybe, I'll keep the new.

I love the old,
but I'll keep the new.

I want both.

Catastrophe.
I am catastrophe.

I need to talk.
To somebody, anybody.
About anything, everything.
Jeannette's sleeping.
Maybe it's the unearthly hour, there's no one to talk to.
Ok, I'll sleep now,
tomorrow I'll talk.





Am I a little too selfish?