My past has a tendency of foreplay.
It repeats.
No wonder after a while,
I place my heart on today,
because tomorrow is prone to stumbling at mid-night.




I'm not as strong as you think I am.
My defences crumble like walls of sand.

I realised,
Let convince be X.
When you're convinced, you're X.
Let doubt be Y.
When you doubt, you're Y.
Convince & doubt complement. One is positive while the other, negative.
so,
Y=-X.
You were convinced.
X.
& then you doubted.
X multiplied by -X
=-X X
But somehow or rather, you re-convinced your doubt.
-X X X
Then you doubt again.
X X X X (note that there is no negative sign)
& you re-convince this doubt.
X X X X X
& you doubt.
-X X X X X X
convince,
-X X X X X X X
doubt
X X X X X X X X
convince
X X X X X X X X X

The power of X increases.
The negative sign alternates for the same cases (convince or doubt).
Since convince = X,
& the more you doubt, the more you convince yourself,
your level of convincement (if there's such a word) increases exponentially.
Let heart joy = X to the power of n, where n is infinity.
& you'd end up with
heart joy = X to the power of infinity (super big)
or
heart joy = -X to the power of infinity (super small)

Since the signs alternate,
probability of heart joy being big is 0.5 ,
the same as that of heart joy being small.

Compared to heart joy being only X or -X.
For -X, the pain is less, hurt is less, blood is less.
For X, the joy is less, love is less.

Which do you prefer?
After all,
probability's only half.



Now you know my fear.
But I'm convincing & re-convincing.


This is the beginning of sadness,
I repeat to myself,
as I watch the surrounding collapse, flutter,
like straws in the wind.
And I can only sigh at this catastrophe.
The world is foreboding.
No, it's crumbling.
Crumbling is foreboding.





Today, during physics lecture,
I felt retarded, forgetting that in projectile motion, horizontal acceleration = zero.
(I must be thinking too much of you)
& my classmate enlightened me with that common sense.
His name starts with an S.
Oh, asshole starts with A.
No wonder he has so many letter 'A' s in his name.
& he's taking 'A' levels
& he's reminded me about 'a'cceleration.